Q: I recently had a third child, and would like to hire an au pair girl, but I’m nervous about the idea, as several of our friends have had bad experiences. What should I should know about to avoid trouble?
A: There are certain basic ambiguities inherent to the au pair situation which may help explain why some families encounter problems. The importance of obvious factors such as personality, compatibility, the number and ages of children to be looked after, money, job and living conditions have to be taken into serious consideration.
Political correctness notwithstanding, issues of class, gender and race are often very much at play. An au pair is frequently a young person who's been raised in an educated, sometimes privileged environment, and who wants the experience of living in a foreign country. Yet, even if the job description emphasizes childcare, the au pair is usually expected to perform tasks which are associated with domestic work, and this can be a shock to a person who is used to seeing it done by others. Resentment — either conscious or unconscious -- over what feels like a loss of status can sabotage the situation.
Discrepancies between unexpressed expectations and erroneous assumptions can lead to misunderstandings. The au pair may expect or hope to be integrated as part of the family, while his or her employers may have bargained for a “master/servant” rapport. This area needs to be explored in advance, and expectations on both sides should be laid out as fully as possible.
Many au pairs are coming to Paris for the first time, and are as vulnerable to “culture shock” as anyone else. This, coupled with having to adapt to a new family atmosphere, can exacerbate any already existing fragility, so that the au pair becomes almost an additional child for whom the host family feels responsible.
A blurring of relationship boundaries can be another potential source of problems. Au pairs are often privy to intimate household interactions, and can be solicited by various family members to act as allies. For instance, an unhappy wife may take her friendly child minder into her confidence, thus giving the latter peer status and making it more difficult thereafter to reassert her own position as the employer.
My suggestion to you is to think carefully about all aspects of how you want an au pair to function in your home, and make your expectations totally clear to the candidates you interview. Consider any “acting out” as an expression of discontent or distress, and build in regular times with whomever you hire to address their issues, as well as your own. Be sure to give positive feedback before exposing your gripes: au pairs are human beings who need to feel valued and respected. After all, you're asking them to help you care for those most precious to you -- your own children.
Jill Bourdais is a psychotherapist practicing in Paris both privately and in a hospital setting. A specialist in couple/family problems, she organizes workshops dealing with improving relationship skills and building self-esteem .Tel: 01 43 54 79 25. Questions for the Paris Closeups column may be mailed to the Voice, 7 rue Papillon, 9e, or emailed to her directly at JABourdais@aol.com
